Personal updates - again, because I CAN

One more week to go and my exams will finally start. I wish I was religious so I could ask you guys to pray for me, but as an atheïst I don't feel very comfortable about doing that. This being said, I could really use some prayers. I have great study days and horrible study days. All I can really do now is make the best out of it. I did study a lot in advance, but the amount of subject material is just way too much. Every other student thinks likewise.

Besides that, at the moment I'm typing this, my dad is in surgery. I could really write a book about both my mom and dad seperately, but besides the fact my mom is the one who has cancer, my dad is the person I worry about the most these days.
My mom is a terminator. She is probably the strongest person I know. Her dad used to hit her and her mom, she grew up a fighter and has always been one. My dad on the other hand...

I'm just gonna write down to what it all comes down to: my dad is deadly depressed.

I have nothing against people being depressed. To be honest, I struggle with dark periods in my life too every once in a while. The difference is, I actively search for solutions. I went to my doctor, talked about it, got instruction, followed them, and got better. My dad... You can't say anything to him because he simply doesn't listen.

Long story short, last monday he told my mom he wanted to commit suicide. Don't forget my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lungcancer a month back. My dad has been depressed for at least 4 years. I'm in Antwerp at the moment, but will return to my parents on friday. I went back here because I have one more week of classes, but also because my father was driving me totally crazy.

I get that you're afraid, I get that you're scared. But I'm scared, too! He drinks a lot during evenings, but on this one I'm not free of blame either... Problem is, my dad is a very silent man, but he becomes really phoney when drunk. And the day after, he lies about it.

I'll give just one example: 2 weeks ago, when I stayed at my parents house, me and a friend went out for drinks for let's say, an hour and a half, on sunday evening. I return home, not drunk but slightly tipsy, I check on my mom, she's doing fine, she goes to bed. As soon as she walked out of the door, my dad started talking shit about how they don't want me to be with them and the best I could do was leave, soon. I was totally petrified since I was positive about the whole situation, I didn't cause any trouble, even more so, I helped them with the housekeeping whenever I could. I walked out of the room to pour myself some wine, and my dad just FUCKING. LEFT. THE ROOM. He went upstairs, 'sleeping' while he knew good enough I would never come upstairs and confront him when I knew my mom was already in bed. I just sat behind the fire place for over an hour, staring into the flames, drinking wine.
Day after, I was still upset, told my mom, and she made us talk it over. He just lied straight to my face and told me I must've missunderstood him. Lied, straight, in my face. I might have not been sober, but believe me, I still remember his exact words.
Luckily my mom is smart enough to see he is going crazy.

But now he told my mom he wants to die. And the thing that drives me nuts the most, is how I am not capable of having a descent talk with him, he just blocks off every attempt one tries. Mom told his older brother, his two sisters, and her part of the family. My mom NEVER speaks behind someone's back, this was just the only thing she had left to try and make it better.

Is it better? No, since just last wednesday, my dad found out he probably has to go work again, and has been drinking even more. (at the moment, he has a disability pension because of his back) I hate being angry with him and I hate admitting this, but my dad is just a weak little puppy. And I can't handle that, all he does is sit in the sofa all day, limping around, complaining about how much he is in pain... But he never stopped lifting heavy shit. He never stopped cleaning the floors like an obsessed cleaning monkey on speed.
Oh and he talks to himself while drunk, preferably about the person sitting right next to him.

I could go on and on and on... But what would it matter? Instead of studying, I'm at my studio pouring wine, and it's not even 5 PM yet.

Okay okay, enough with the anger and the problems, I also have some good news....

• I received a 'very good' as grading for my internship;
• I received not one, but two 'perfect' grades on my patient case studies;
• I must not forget how much I've already studied;
• I have the best, most loyal and funniest friends in the world. I love you guys, I know you'll never read this since I keep this blog a secret... But I thank all of you, so much, for standing beside me during all of this. You know I'd do just the same for you guys.
• I'm going to Berlin!!!

Saved the best for last... During easter holliday, me and my best male friend will visit the beautiful and cultural Berlin, I honestly can't wait. I've been wanting to visit Berlin for ages. I can really use some days off. I'll make sure to make a lot of pictures and keep you guys informed.

This post became much longer and much more whiny than I would've liked it, but yeah. Feelings and stuff.

Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com