6 more days and my exams will be OVER. I'm counting the hours. (not really, but I really can't wait to be done). Up till now, everything has gone according to plan, I did screw up two exams and didn't perform that well on two others, but those grades will be combined with four other exams which did go well.
Since I have little free time, I prefer spending the hours I have with reading. I'm not online as much as I used to, and I do miss writing. I hope to have more time in the two week vacation that's coming up. After that, I'll have 5 weeks of classes and exams, again. But when those are done, I hope I've passed everything so I'll have a three-month vacation.
My mom is doing fine, she is starting to lose hair and she's tired a lot, but her spirit still is high and overall, she's doing great. She'll have another chemo on April, 2th, after that she'll have tests to see if it worked. It'll be some scary weeks to come, but I dare to hope a little bit.
My dad is still as depressed as a donkey. I don't see him having a speedy recovery anytime soon. He still limps, he still sighs whenever something happens, and he still hangs in the sofa all day, staring.
I'm doing allright. Studying takes my mind of off things, so that's a good thing I guess.
I'll try to put up some descent posts when I have the time. I have a new Ebola post planned and there are some things happening in Belgium I just have to discuss. But now, 6 more days of hell and boredom! (and the 'occasional' I-drank-too-much-wine evening)
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
zaterdag 21 maart 2015
maandag 16 maart 2015
A wall between us
Sometimes I wonder about how hard it seems to get in touch with people. I'm not talking about friends or relatives now, but strangers, passing us by every day.
I live in Antwerp, as you all know. My place is close to the underground, and whenever I'm home I ride the metro almost every day. One of the platforms is very deep, with a long moving staircase down. It's a chilly, nihilistic place full of graffiti and decorated with occasional piles of puke. It was at this melancholic place I first saw 'the beatnik'.
Mr Beatnik was in very bad shape that morning. He was standing up, at the stairs next to the moving staircase. He seemed to be asleep while standing. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied he was fine. I've seen him several times after that first encouter. His favourite place to sit is said stairs. After a few times I noticed he had a leg prothesis. Sometimes he's singing and sometimes he's sleeping. One time he was on the same metro as me, and he was talking to other travelers, in English, with visible joy and enthousiasm.
He always sits down and he never looks up or seems to care when children make fun of him. All remarks and comments people make seem to glide of off him like water. What intrigues me the most about him, is that he is always reading an old, wrinkled book. That's where the metaphorical wall comes into play: ever since I've seen him reading, I've been dying to know which book it is. It must have significant value for him, because it's always the same book and it doesn't look like he has any other possessions.
Last week, I took the moving staircase and he was sitting at his spot. When I crossed him, I decided that this was the day, this time I'll ask him, this moment, I'll know. But I couldn't. I already opened my mouth to pop the question, but the words went dry on my lips, I just couldn't do it.
Why? I wondered about this question for some time. First, I blamed in on the language: I heard him speak English once, so I was in doubt, should I speak in Dutch or English? But this excuse is way too easy. Truth is, I find it hard to reach out to people. I rather not answer the question. Because reaching out to someone requires not only interest, but also strenght. Because people could just block us off. Because maybe, people won't be happy with the interest you give them.
What does this learn me? Simple. I have a lot of ideals and a lot of ideas I find valuable, but acting according to those values, is not as easy as it seems.
I'll keep you updated on this.
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
I live in Antwerp, as you all know. My place is close to the underground, and whenever I'm home I ride the metro almost every day. One of the platforms is very deep, with a long moving staircase down. It's a chilly, nihilistic place full of graffiti and decorated with occasional piles of puke. It was at this melancholic place I first saw 'the beatnik'.
Mr Beatnik was in very bad shape that morning. He was standing up, at the stairs next to the moving staircase. He seemed to be asleep while standing. I asked him if he was okay, and he replied he was fine. I've seen him several times after that first encouter. His favourite place to sit is said stairs. After a few times I noticed he had a leg prothesis. Sometimes he's singing and sometimes he's sleeping. One time he was on the same metro as me, and he was talking to other travelers, in English, with visible joy and enthousiasm.
He always sits down and he never looks up or seems to care when children make fun of him. All remarks and comments people make seem to glide of off him like water. What intrigues me the most about him, is that he is always reading an old, wrinkled book. That's where the metaphorical wall comes into play: ever since I've seen him reading, I've been dying to know which book it is. It must have significant value for him, because it's always the same book and it doesn't look like he has any other possessions.
Last week, I took the moving staircase and he was sitting at his spot. When I crossed him, I decided that this was the day, this time I'll ask him, this moment, I'll know. But I couldn't. I already opened my mouth to pop the question, but the words went dry on my lips, I just couldn't do it.
Why? I wondered about this question for some time. First, I blamed in on the language: I heard him speak English once, so I was in doubt, should I speak in Dutch or English? But this excuse is way too easy. Truth is, I find it hard to reach out to people. I rather not answer the question. Because reaching out to someone requires not only interest, but also strenght. Because people could just block us off. Because maybe, people won't be happy with the interest you give them.
What does this learn me? Simple. I have a lot of ideals and a lot of ideas I find valuable, but acting according to those values, is not as easy as it seems.
I'll keep you updated on this.
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
dinsdag 3 maart 2015
MyReads: February
Suzanne Collins - 'Mockingjay'
I have to admit it, I love the Hunger games trilogy. I know Hollywood is raping the script and turning it into some scary MK ULTRA, predictive programming thing, but still these books are the best young adult fiction I've read in years. (I don't really have anything to compare except Twilight, which sucked donkey balls. note to self: read more young adult fiction) I won't spoil anything for anyone, just read the damn trilogy.
my score: 7/10
Andrew Pyper - 'The trade mission' (read in Dutch; title: 'Handelsmissie')
I was really scared of this book when I started it. Set in the jungle of Brazil, 2 young entrepreneurs, one helper and a tolk go on a boat trip. They get captured and tortured by locals. I picked up this book because the description said it was like a modern 'Deliverance', and I love that novel. My fears were uncalled for, the torture practices aren't described in much detail and the book, in general, wasn't that scary. It did make me think of human nature and made me wonder what I would have done while in the same situation. Which is hard, since I never lived traumas that severe. Was it as good as 'Deliverance'? Hell naw. But I can see why thy made the comparison. It took me 2 weeks to finish, I started and finished other books before I finished this one. After the last chapter, I must admit I think it was a little waste of time. I might read some of his other books tho.
My score: 6/10
Donald Thomas - 'The Marquis the Sade, a new biography' (read in Dutch; title: 'Markies de Sade, de definitieve biografie')
A friend who used to be obsessed with de Sade lended this one to me. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be. I never was fond of biographies, but this one points out how de Sade was not just a pervert, but a product of his age. If you're interested in history in general and de Sade in particular, I highly recommend it. It was well written, clear and gave me a different view on his literature. I'm still not sure if I will read one of the Sade's books, probably not. But I did learn a lot from it and I might start reading more biographies.
my score: 7/10
Michael Robotham - 'The night Ferry' (read in Dutch; title: 'Nachtboot')
An okay thriller, the third book I've read from his hand. While you can read all his books apart, I recommend you start with his first one ('the suspect'), since a lot of characters introduced here keep on coming back. I still wonder why I keep reading his books, they aren't badly written or boring. But I always feel something is missing, I can't put a finger on what it is. Still, it was a good story. It's about illegal child trafficking and surrogate mothers.
my score: 6/10
Chuck Palahniuk - 'Fight Club'
This classic needs no further introduction. I saw the movie about 5 years ago and I didn't get the ending at all, so reading the book made a lot of things more clear. I must say the book is adapted into a movie in a brilliant way, I recognised several quotes. The book in itself is written brilliantly and reads really fast. I found my copy at one of my favourite second-hand books stores. Too bad they had like 1684 copies staring at me, I was looking for this book for ages so I was pretty shocked to finally see it in so many copies. Luckily this has nothing to do with the quality of the book. Written in a brilliant, fast style, I finally understand what all the fuss was about.
My score: 8.5/10
Kathryn Stockett - 'The help' (read in Dutch; title: 'Een keukenmeidenroman') (probably one of the worst title-translations ever. 'De hulp' would've worked just fine.)
Can't say I liked the ending, and some of the characters were really black and white, but besides those two remarks, I enjoyed this book. Set in Mississippi during the sixties, we follow some white women and their black helps. The book made me angry at times, but it did shine light at how hard it was, even for white people, to try and change things.Good reading, not so high in literature and some characters are a bit dull, but the book had a great spirit and I enjoyed the journey.
My score: 6/10
Haruki Murakami - '1q84, part one' (read in Dutch, same title)
Wow, just wow. Before I started reading this, I read 4 other Murakami novels. 'After dark', which was okay, 'Norwegian wood' and 'South of the border, West of the sun', which I both loved, and 'A wild sheep chase', which I hated with a passion and never finished.
But this... We follow Tengo, a math teacher and ghostwriter of a best-seller, and Aomame, who works at a gym, but secretly kills men. As the story continues, more and more facts make clear that Aomame and Tengo must've met much earlier. Strange concepts and people are introduced, and way too soon the book is over. I just had to start reading the second one right away.
I don't know why I love certain Murakami books and loathe others. I do know I love this one, although I would like to see a little less descriptions about sex, but that's a personal preference I guess. All I know is this, I can't wait to know how it ends.
my score: 9/10
Books that match my 2015 reading challenge
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
I have to admit it, I love the Hunger games trilogy. I know Hollywood is raping the script and turning it into some scary MK ULTRA, predictive programming thing, but still these books are the best young adult fiction I've read in years. (I don't really have anything to compare except Twilight, which sucked donkey balls. note to self: read more young adult fiction) I won't spoil anything for anyone, just read the damn trilogy.
my score: 7/10
Andrew Pyper - 'The trade mission' (read in Dutch; title: 'Handelsmissie')
I was really scared of this book when I started it. Set in the jungle of Brazil, 2 young entrepreneurs, one helper and a tolk go on a boat trip. They get captured and tortured by locals. I picked up this book because the description said it was like a modern 'Deliverance', and I love that novel. My fears were uncalled for, the torture practices aren't described in much detail and the book, in general, wasn't that scary. It did make me think of human nature and made me wonder what I would have done while in the same situation. Which is hard, since I never lived traumas that severe. Was it as good as 'Deliverance'? Hell naw. But I can see why thy made the comparison. It took me 2 weeks to finish, I started and finished other books before I finished this one. After the last chapter, I must admit I think it was a little waste of time. I might read some of his other books tho.
My score: 6/10
Donald Thomas - 'The Marquis the Sade, a new biography' (read in Dutch; title: 'Markies de Sade, de definitieve biografie')
A friend who used to be obsessed with de Sade lended this one to me. It was much more interesting than I thought it would be. I never was fond of biographies, but this one points out how de Sade was not just a pervert, but a product of his age. If you're interested in history in general and de Sade in particular, I highly recommend it. It was well written, clear and gave me a different view on his literature. I'm still not sure if I will read one of the Sade's books, probably not. But I did learn a lot from it and I might start reading more biographies.
my score: 7/10
Michael Robotham - 'The night Ferry' (read in Dutch; title: 'Nachtboot')
An okay thriller, the third book I've read from his hand. While you can read all his books apart, I recommend you start with his first one ('the suspect'), since a lot of characters introduced here keep on coming back. I still wonder why I keep reading his books, they aren't badly written or boring. But I always feel something is missing, I can't put a finger on what it is. Still, it was a good story. It's about illegal child trafficking and surrogate mothers.
my score: 6/10
Chuck Palahniuk - 'Fight Club'
This classic needs no further introduction. I saw the movie about 5 years ago and I didn't get the ending at all, so reading the book made a lot of things more clear. I must say the book is adapted into a movie in a brilliant way, I recognised several quotes. The book in itself is written brilliantly and reads really fast. I found my copy at one of my favourite second-hand books stores. Too bad they had like 1684 copies staring at me, I was looking for this book for ages so I was pretty shocked to finally see it in so many copies. Luckily this has nothing to do with the quality of the book. Written in a brilliant, fast style, I finally understand what all the fuss was about.
My score: 8.5/10
Kathryn Stockett - 'The help' (read in Dutch; title: 'Een keukenmeidenroman') (probably one of the worst title-translations ever. 'De hulp' would've worked just fine.)
Can't say I liked the ending, and some of the characters were really black and white, but besides those two remarks, I enjoyed this book. Set in Mississippi during the sixties, we follow some white women and their black helps. The book made me angry at times, but it did shine light at how hard it was, even for white people, to try and change things.Good reading, not so high in literature and some characters are a bit dull, but the book had a great spirit and I enjoyed the journey.
My score: 6/10
Haruki Murakami - '1q84, part one' (read in Dutch, same title)
Wow, just wow. Before I started reading this, I read 4 other Murakami novels. 'After dark', which was okay, 'Norwegian wood' and 'South of the border, West of the sun', which I both loved, and 'A wild sheep chase', which I hated with a passion and never finished.
But this... We follow Tengo, a math teacher and ghostwriter of a best-seller, and Aomame, who works at a gym, but secretly kills men. As the story continues, more and more facts make clear that Aomame and Tengo must've met much earlier. Strange concepts and people are introduced, and way too soon the book is over. I just had to start reading the second one right away.
I don't know why I love certain Murakami books and loathe others. I do know I love this one, although I would like to see a little less descriptions about sex, but that's a personal preference I guess. All I know is this, I can't wait to know how it ends.
my score: 9/10
Books that match my 2015 reading challenge
- A book a friend recommended: The marquis the Sade
- A book by an author you've never read before: The trade mission
- A book set somewhere you've always wanted to visit: The help
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
maandag 2 maart 2015
Personal updates - again, because I CAN
One more week to go and my exams will finally start. I wish I was religious so I could ask you guys to pray for me, but as an atheïst I don't feel very comfortable about doing that. This being said, I could really use some prayers. I have great study days and horrible study days. All I can really do now is make the best out of it. I did study a lot in advance, but the amount of subject material is just way too much. Every other student thinks likewise.
Besides that, at the moment I'm typing this, my dad is in surgery. I could really write a book about both my mom and dad seperately, but besides the fact my mom is the one who has cancer, my dad is the person I worry about the most these days.
My mom is a terminator. She is probably the strongest person I know. Her dad used to hit her and her mom, she grew up a fighter and has always been one. My dad on the other hand...
I'm just gonna write down to what it all comes down to: my dad is deadly depressed.
I have nothing against people being depressed. To be honest, I struggle with dark periods in my life too every once in a while. The difference is, I actively search for solutions. I went to my doctor, talked about it, got instruction, followed them, and got better. My dad... You can't say anything to him because he simply doesn't listen.
Long story short, last monday he told my mom he wanted to commit suicide. Don't forget my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lungcancer a month back. My dad has been depressed for at least 4 years. I'm in Antwerp at the moment, but will return to my parents on friday. I went back here because I have one more week of classes, but also because my father was driving me totally crazy.
I get that you're afraid, I get that you're scared. But I'm scared, too! He drinks a lot during evenings, but on this one I'm not free of blame either... Problem is, my dad is a very silent man, but he becomes really phoney when drunk. And the day after, he lies about it.
I'll give just one example: 2 weeks ago, when I stayed at my parents house, me and a friend went out for drinks for let's say, an hour and a half, on sunday evening. I return home, not drunk but slightly tipsy, I check on my mom, she's doing fine, she goes to bed. As soon as she walked out of the door, my dad started talking shit about how they don't want me to be with them and the best I could do was leave, soon. I was totally petrified since I was positive about the whole situation, I didn't cause any trouble, even more so, I helped them with the housekeeping whenever I could. I walked out of the room to pour myself some wine, and my dad just FUCKING. LEFT. THE ROOM. He went upstairs, 'sleeping' while he knew good enough I would never come upstairs and confront him when I knew my mom was already in bed. I just sat behind the fire place for over an hour, staring into the flames, drinking wine.
Day after, I was still upset, told my mom, and she made us talk it over. He just lied straight to my face and told me I must've missunderstood him. Lied, straight, in my face. I might have not been sober, but believe me, I still remember his exact words.
Luckily my mom is smart enough to see he is going crazy.
But now he told my mom he wants to die. And the thing that drives me nuts the most, is how I am not capable of having a descent talk with him, he just blocks off every attempt one tries. Mom told his older brother, his two sisters, and her part of the family. My mom NEVER speaks behind someone's back, this was just the only thing she had left to try and make it better.
Is it better? No, since just last wednesday, my dad found out he probably has to go work again, and has been drinking even more. (at the moment, he has a disability pension because of his back) I hate being angry with him and I hate admitting this, but my dad is just a weak little puppy. And I can't handle that, all he does is sit in the sofa all day, limping around, complaining about how much he is in pain... But he never stopped lifting heavy shit. He never stopped cleaning the floors like an obsessed cleaning monkey on speed.
Oh and he talks to himself while drunk, preferably about the person sitting right next to him.
I could go on and on and on... But what would it matter? Instead of studying, I'm at my studio pouring wine, and it's not even 5 PM yet.
Okay okay, enough with the anger and the problems, I also have some good news....
This post became much longer and much more whiny than I would've liked it, but yeah. Feelings and stuff.
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
Besides that, at the moment I'm typing this, my dad is in surgery. I could really write a book about both my mom and dad seperately, but besides the fact my mom is the one who has cancer, my dad is the person I worry about the most these days.
My mom is a terminator. She is probably the strongest person I know. Her dad used to hit her and her mom, she grew up a fighter and has always been one. My dad on the other hand...
I'm just gonna write down to what it all comes down to: my dad is deadly depressed.
I have nothing against people being depressed. To be honest, I struggle with dark periods in my life too every once in a while. The difference is, I actively search for solutions. I went to my doctor, talked about it, got instruction, followed them, and got better. My dad... You can't say anything to him because he simply doesn't listen.
Long story short, last monday he told my mom he wanted to commit suicide. Don't forget my mom was diagnosed with stage 4 lungcancer a month back. My dad has been depressed for at least 4 years. I'm in Antwerp at the moment, but will return to my parents on friday. I went back here because I have one more week of classes, but also because my father was driving me totally crazy.
I get that you're afraid, I get that you're scared. But I'm scared, too! He drinks a lot during evenings, but on this one I'm not free of blame either... Problem is, my dad is a very silent man, but he becomes really phoney when drunk. And the day after, he lies about it.
I'll give just one example: 2 weeks ago, when I stayed at my parents house, me and a friend went out for drinks for let's say, an hour and a half, on sunday evening. I return home, not drunk but slightly tipsy, I check on my mom, she's doing fine, she goes to bed. As soon as she walked out of the door, my dad started talking shit about how they don't want me to be with them and the best I could do was leave, soon. I was totally petrified since I was positive about the whole situation, I didn't cause any trouble, even more so, I helped them with the housekeeping whenever I could. I walked out of the room to pour myself some wine, and my dad just FUCKING. LEFT. THE ROOM. He went upstairs, 'sleeping' while he knew good enough I would never come upstairs and confront him when I knew my mom was already in bed. I just sat behind the fire place for over an hour, staring into the flames, drinking wine.
Day after, I was still upset, told my mom, and she made us talk it over. He just lied straight to my face and told me I must've missunderstood him. Lied, straight, in my face. I might have not been sober, but believe me, I still remember his exact words.
Luckily my mom is smart enough to see he is going crazy.
But now he told my mom he wants to die. And the thing that drives me nuts the most, is how I am not capable of having a descent talk with him, he just blocks off every attempt one tries. Mom told his older brother, his two sisters, and her part of the family. My mom NEVER speaks behind someone's back, this was just the only thing she had left to try and make it better.
Is it better? No, since just last wednesday, my dad found out he probably has to go work again, and has been drinking even more. (at the moment, he has a disability pension because of his back) I hate being angry with him and I hate admitting this, but my dad is just a weak little puppy. And I can't handle that, all he does is sit in the sofa all day, limping around, complaining about how much he is in pain... But he never stopped lifting heavy shit. He never stopped cleaning the floors like an obsessed cleaning monkey on speed.
Oh and he talks to himself while drunk, preferably about the person sitting right next to him.
I could go on and on and on... But what would it matter? Instead of studying, I'm at my studio pouring wine, and it's not even 5 PM yet.
Okay okay, enough with the anger and the problems, I also have some good news....
- I received a 'very good' as grading for my internship;
- I received not one, but two 'perfect' grades on my patient case studies;
- I must not forget how much I've already studied;
- I have the best, most loyal and funniest friends in the world. I love you guys, I know you'll never read this since I keep this blog a secret... But I thank all of you, so much, for standing beside me during all of this. You know I'd do just the same for you guys.
- I'm going to Berlin!!!
This post became much longer and much more whiny than I would've liked it, but yeah. Feelings and stuff.
Sabetha
pissedofpenguin@gmail.com
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